Tears Are The Best Mascara
by Mrowrkat98
Summary: Rachel has conflicts. She's expected to be perfect, to always win, to be brave when no one else is. Steryotypes win out when it comes to her normal life, but she wants one more thing... just one more thing to be normal.


**A/N: I absolutely love the relationship between Rachel and Tobias. Rachel is by far my favorite charater to write about because of all her inner conflicts, so here's my attempt at summing it up. hope you like it :D**

"Tobias!" I yelled, catching up to him as he stopped and turned around to face me. The others will tell you that I'm the brave, warrior princess. They'll tell you that I fear nothing. There is one thing I fear.

"Yeah?" he asked hurriedly.

"Please don't leave."

"I'll come right back." He jerked his head ever so slightly towards the bushes, indicating what I feared.

I put my hand on his shoulder. "Tobias, please. Do it for me," I begged, ready to do anything to make him stay. He probably had about one minute left. I needed to stall five just to make sure.

"You were trying to get me stuck." It was an accusation said with barely a whisper. His face steeled more than usual and his hawk-like eyes pierced mine. Suddenly, he could see right through me. He saw the lovesick girl I was, how I knew he would be mad at first, but he would grow to accept it. How I wanted to be with him so bad that I would risk the entire war for it. He knew that I wasn't ashamed of what I'd done. He saw my deepest secrets, as if he were a yeerk flipping through the pages of my brain. I dropped my hand from his shoulder.

As we stood there, I tried to notice everything except his eyes. I glanced at his lips, welcoming even though he was scowling. I noted his eyebrows, full but not bushy. A lock of his golden brown hair hung over his face, partially covering one eye. But no matter what I did, I couldn't escape his stare. I hoped that if he stared long enough, he would forget the time. He might have too, but I couldn't stand his accusing eyes.

"Please," I said weakly. He tore his gaze from me and turned on his heel to leave. I had to stop him. Had to.

I grabbed his shoulder again and turned him back to face me. His eyes widened in surprise as I grabbed the back of his head with my other hand and pulled him into a kiss. I closed my eyes. At first he protested, but then he gave up and kissed me back. It felt so good. I held him as long as I could, but after a few seconds he pushed me away and ran for the bush.

"Tobias!" I yelled after him. He ignored my cries.

_Was it long enough?_ I asked myself. _Did it work?_

I told myself that I hoped he had gotten away, that I was a good person who would never put myself before the fate of the world. We needed Tobias. But deep down, I desperately wanted him to be stuck. My heart fell as a red-tailed hawk soared out of the trees a few minutes later.

Cassie came up behind me.

"Did he make it?" she asked. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. "Good."

I left the dance early. Tobias hadn't come back, and I felt so alone, save Marco's ever-so-subtle hints that he wanted to dance with me. There was nothing left for me there.

I should have gone home. _Should have._

Instead, I walked to Tobias' meadow. I didn't feel like flying. I was numb. How could I have been so stupid? Had I actually been willing to risk the whole war and Tobias' friendship on a selfish little act? Jake would be so angry when he found out what I'd tried to do. _Though,_ I reminded myself, _he would have been much angrier had I succeeded._

In my state of guilt, everything that should have felt good felt sickening. The moonlight burned at my skin and the open starry sky only reminded me of the source of all my problems _and_ solutions.

_What have I become?_

I entered the meadow. "Tobias?"

No answer.

"Please Tobias, come out." He had to be there. Where else would he fly at this time of night?

Still, my only answer was the crickets chirping softly in the background.

"Fine." I strode to the edge of the meadow as fast as I could, fists clenched until my newly manicured nails ripped small holes in my skin. I would not cry. No, I was Xena. I could conquer anything. Right?

I whipped around at the edge of the meadow, boiling over with rage and despair. "I KNOW YOU'RE HERE TOBIAS!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE BEING TOO MUCH OF A JERK TO SHOW YOUR FACE THEN FINE! I ONLY WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY!" My voice cracked and I collapsed onto my hands and knees in the grass, tears flowing freely from my eyes and blurring my vision. I dug my fingernails into the dirt to brace myself and began shuddering uncontrollably. "I'm sorry."

Choking sobs sputtered from my mouth, and thoughts began flowing through my head at a million miles an hour. In my head, I was Rachel the conqueror, Xena, warrior princess. I came out victorious no matter what the odds. I did not dwell on thoughts of those killed as Cassie did, it was necessary, end of story. I was the good guy, I had nothing to fear from anyone. Rachel the Amazon, always up for a fight.

On the other hand, I was the blonde bombshell from _Legally Blonde_. I was supposed to get great grades, have the perfect, rich family, become head cheerleader, I should have had friends that would squeal with envy every time I had a date. I would be the girl who gets the guy, and looks good doing it.

You would probably say that I'm all of the first and some of the second. You'd be wrong. I was none of it. I always put on a show for the others. I'd always be the one who'd try her best to get the job done, no matter what the cost. I'd put my life before anyone in the group, yes. But did that make me brave? I don't think so. I never was cool, calm Xena. I was irrational, destructive Rachel. The insane one, always jumping in headfirst without a second thought. That wasn't bravery, it was stupidity.

I shuddered under the severity of my own sobbing. I was too weak to stand, and even if I was strong enough, the constant shaking of my entire body would force me to stand completely still and concentrate on keeping upright. If I was attacked at that very moment, I would die. I dug my nails further into the dirt, making a sick scraping noise. I cried so hard that it felt as if it were raining. All my senses were clouded. _Weak._ My mind chanted. _You're weak._

_Idiot,_ I cursed myself, trying to regain control. _You're not supposed to think like this. You're supposed to be the strong one!_

Yet nothing worked. I tried scolding myself, comforting myself, reasoning. No matter what I did, I was still the weak, sobbing little girl in the dirt.

"Tobias," I choked out between sobs. "If. You're. Still. Here… I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have tried to make you stay." I had meant to stop there, but words kept falling from my mouth. "I… I just love you so much. I, I don't want to lose you."

"You won't."

I froze, my entire body protesting against the interruption of movement. My stomach heaved and I gagged dryly a few times. A hand helped me sit up carefully and I found Tobias' concerned face staring into mine. He sat in front of me, half-smiling and half frowning. It was a strange look for someone who usually shows no expression at all.

I hiccupped and shuddered again. "I-"

"It's okay Rachel," he said, using his thumb to wipe a tear off of my face.

I recoiled from his touch. I didn't deserve his sympathy. I was a terrible person. In the back of my mind, I thought _I probably look horribly ugly right now._

Tobias laughed, and I realized with horror I had spoken aloud. "No Rachel, you're still beautiful." He looked into my eyes, his expression gentle. "Did you know that every single one of your eyelashes is perfect right now? The tears really bring them out."

I tried to laugh, but it sounded more like a hiccup.

"It's a good look for you Rachel, you should cry more often."

I actually _did_ laugh that time. "Tears: the newest, greatest mascara."

He laughed and hugged my shaking frame. Finally, I felt as if I didn't have to protect anyone, Tobias would protect me.


End file.
